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Editorials from The Torch.

    I'm Arts and Entertainment Editor for the Valparaiso Paper, The Torch...or will be until I graduate on my birthday, May 20, 2001. The following is the links to my (almost) weekly editorial diatribes. Some of them I'm particularly proud of, especially numbers 12 and 14. Some of them I'm not so proud of (I won't tell which though, you can probably figure that out. And some are just kind of mediocre with really good headlines. The title to each is also the link, and the text after the title was my subtitle. Enjoy.

1. The Summer of Schlock and the Damage Done
    In Which Lost Movie Theaters are Mourned, and Bad Movies are Cursed

2. Mustn’t See TV: Breaking the TV Habit, Pt. 1
    How To Immediately Alienate Almost All of Your Readers.

3. Television: Friend or Foe, Pt. 2
    In which the eternal battle between good an evil is fought yet again (on a small scale with no real winner)

4. Ads Chainsaw the Olympic Spirit
    On the Death of the Olympic Spirit

5. Why can’t the candidates be more entertaining?
    So You Want to Be the Ruler of the Free World.

6. Is the media the devil?
    In which, despite previous comments to the contrary, strong political feelings are expressed.

7. Why Sport?
    A Very Brief and Confused Bit on Sports Fans.

8. Bush/Gore defeats Gore/Bush
    White Knuckle, Edge of Your Seat Preservation of the Status Quo.

9. The future of books?
    E-Pulp Fiction.

10. Christmas Contradictions
    Bah, humbug!

11. Strawberry Fields not forever?
    A Day in the Death

12. Perfect gifts for the election season. (Line on up! Get’cher souvenirs! Remember the election of the century!)
    My boy, have I got a deal for you.

13. Fast cars, big trucks and the sad state of local entertainment
    Fancy footwork.

14. Chicks for God
    God doesn’t have to seem this stupid.

15. Napster shows its new face
    Napster’s sad future.

16. What to do with our immoral art
    One sacred cow burger, well done, with a side order of Eucharist.
    (a quasi-oblique response to an angry letter written in response to my Scorch article about Christ.)

Scorch Articles

The Scorch is the annual parody paper, printed on or around April Fool's Day. Last year...well, last year we got in a little trouble...so this year we have an advisor making sure that they aren't too offensive. The following articles, however, are how I wrote them before the advisor got his hands on them...I'm still waiting to hear if I'll be censored at all...but until then, well, here's my attempt at satire, comedy, and dick and fart jokes. I wrote all of these under the by-line of Stewart De Christian, with a different title for each ("Religions Editor", "Polynesian God", "Media Bitch", "Theater Hater", and "Staff Misanthrope").

1. Christ admits alleged Salvation just a “miscommunication”
    Well, no surprise. This one received a fairly good letter to the editor the next week protesting it, which I'm reprinting here.

2. Popular student action group collapses due to internal dispute

3. White supremacist poet unable to think up rhyme for “trigger.”

4. Alcohol lobby denies that drinking alcohol leads to “getting really fucked up.”
    This one wasn't cut, but I will have to replace "getting really fucked up" with "getting really f---ed up." Sigh. Understandable, and doesn't really detract from the joke.

5. VU Theater institues new improvisation program

6. "Sex Kitten Rampage 4” doesn’t live up to promise
    Well, no surprise. This one was cut. No chance to even try to trim it to meet standards. Cut with extreme prejudice. But it lives on here.

7. Scorch staff commits seppuku to forestall objections

8. Study links Hitler’s genocidal tendencies to playing violent board games

9. Dalai Lama converts to atheism, tired of “sitting around meditating and shit.”

10. Anime replaces Dungeons and Dragons as most popular geek and dork activity

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