Editorial #13: Fancy footwork. I’ve always been paranoid about getting killed by something involving an automobile. My paranoia has never been more specific than that. I just have this vague apprehension that I will somehow die spectacularly in an automobile-related death. I have visions of being accidentally hit by a semi, crushed by an SUV, run over by an angry woman in a Volvo or dying in a spectacular 28 car pile up.

I feel more powerless now because I no longer have a car myself. I’m beholden to the kindness of others to drive me around, but my paranoia makes me a notoriously annoying backseat driver and most try to avoid giving me another lift after watching me squirm and shift at their every driving mistake. So I’m forced to walk nearly everywhere I need to go, along busy streets and across teeming highways, greatly increasing my sense of danger and paranoia.

But this is no longer really a problem anymore, as with the close of Video Update, coupled with the previous Fall’s closing of Hollywood Connection, there is now virtually nothing to do within walking distance of the Valparaiso campus. As far as entertainment goes within a comfortable radius of campus, we might as well be stranded in the Dark Ages.

This may, at first, seem like a negative thing. But, upon closer examination, the positive elements of this situation become readily apparent.

Number one: I’m much less likely to get hit and killed by a car. This is a definite plus. In fact, in my dorm room on the fifth floor, it would take nothing less than an act of an extremely creative and sadistic god to kill me with anything car-related, unless someone decided to come after me with a piece of bumper or a tire iron (a possibility I can't in all good conscience ignore).

Number two: With nothing left to waste time on as far as entertainment goes, I’ll theoretically have a lot more of the previously thought mythical “free time” I keep hearing about, freeing me to much more interesting and unique activities. If anyone has any ideas about what these aforementioned “interesting” or “unique” activities could be, I’d love to hear them.

Number three: The further increase in unfillable free time will help me develop and focus myself, calming me down considerably and allowing me to develop a zen-like state of tranquility. After all, I’ll have nothing else to do than sit and stare at a wall while I contemplate the wonderous mysteries of the universe.

OK, I’m laying it on a bit thick. But all that’s left for people within walking distance are cheap greasy restaurants, liquor stores, bars and Walmart (which I am convinced is the 10th level of Hell). So when I’m a fat 45-year-old alcoholic zen master wandering the aisles at Walmart, remember, we have only Video Update to blame.

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