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Popular student action group collapses due to internal dispute

The popular student association, Students to End Non-Actual Suffering, came to an abrupt end Saturday due to internal disputes and “differences of opinion.”

SENAS was started two months ago with lofty goals in mind, when a coalition of liberal philosophy and english majors formed to, according to their mission statement, “end all fictional and non-literal suffering.”

SENAS president Daniel Caring told The Scorch upon SENAS’ inception that, “Just because, as Voltaire said, all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds, it does not give us license to ignore the plight of those fictional characters who may be less fortunate than us.”

Caring went on to say, “We must end the actualcentrism that pervades our culture and stop ignoring worthy causes simply because they don’t exist.”

Despite widespread support from students of philosophy and literature who hoped that the fight to end non-actual suffering could provide them with better jobs than McDonald’s might provide, SENAS faced many objections from both liberals and conservatives.

Conservative republicans, worried that SENAS might attempt to interfere with their attempts to get sadistic glee in tormenting minorities both fictional and literal, struggled with SENAS from their very inception.

But even more problematic were the protests from the liberal left, which objected to SENAS on a more pragmatic basis. “We can not move onto fictional suffering until we have ended suffering in this universe. It is a big multiverse, but we must look to our own borders of reality before we extend our support to those in other, less fortunate fictional planes of existence.”

But the greatest struggles that SENAS faced came from within.

Separate factions divided the group, as the students each began to fight for their separate causes. The “Don’t Step on Lilliput” faction fought with the Symbionese Liberation Army, as the Students for a Reunited Pangeia fought with a small but determined coalition of Communists, Morlocks, Brobdignagians, Klingons and a man calling himself “David the Gnome.”

These innumerable factional disputes eventually led forced SENAS to announce its dissolution.

SENAS has had a brief but tumultuous history in its two months on campus.

Perhaps most harmed by SENAS has been Alliance, who suffered from the perception of the VU campus that the two organizations were interrelated.

After last month’s attempt by Student Senate to have Alliance declared a “subgroup” of SENAS, Alliance gave a phone interview to The Scorch,

“We are not imaginary. We are among you. We may be your friends, or your neighbors or even your teachers. We are out there. And soon our plans will be complete, and the world will tremble beneath our wrath! Bwahahahaha!”

A spokesman for the office of the president responded by putting his fingers in his ears and saying, “Gay people don’t exist, I can’t hear you, tralalalalala.”

Former SENAS president Caring told The Scorch, “At this point, I don’t know what’s going to happen with our group. But as long as philosophers and authors keep creating fictional characters and making them suffer, we’ll be there, trying to ease their pain.”

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