"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." A witty, albeit glib, comment from Dean Martin, to be sure. But it's not precisely useful for judging multiple levels of unsobriety for those who aren't quite ready to grab fistfuls of floor, but still shouldn't be performing major or minor surgery, flying airplanes, or going to the fifteen minute chapel with that nice girl who you just met.

Through extensive research, I've been working at compiling a list of signs that you are drunk, trying to gauge the precise different and quantifiable levels. This is a science experiment, and I'm going about it dispassionately. More indications are always welcome, you can send them to loki814@hotmail.com. Eventually, if I get the time, I will be putting a score value to each sign, but for now, I'm just going to list them.

• You've smelled alcohol, a dangerous intoxicant, and are consequently no longer suited to drive. So settle in and start drinking, you're in for the long haul
• You can't remember how many drinks you've had.
• You can no longer recognize parts of your own body (hands, feet, etc)
• You ask repeatedly for someone who isn't there (i.e., not just someone who is no longer at the party, but someone who wasn't even in the same town in the first place. Double this if the person is either "mommy" or is dead. Triple if they never existed at all: if the person is Christian, Jesus merely counts as "dead." However, if they are from another faith, or are an atheist and start asking for Jesus, quadruple the score)
• If you vomit. Double if you don't make it to the toilet, triple if you do it on yourself. And double it again if you continue drinking afterwards
• You start breathing extra heavily because you once heard that a percentage of alcohol leaves your body through your breath
• You've written someone an email that you won't remember in the morning
• You've spilled on yourself
• You've spilled on someone else
• You've apologized to someone for the same thing at least three times. Double if the thing you're apologizing for is being so drunk.
• You've tried to explain to someone, "I'm not drunk, I'm just in a good mood."
• You walk like you're tacking into a gale
• You can no longer negotiate corners
• You try negotiating with corners: "Come on, just let me by. Please?"
• You forget who you came with. Triple this if the party is at your house.
• You start speaking in a language you don't know. Double if you are speaking this language backwards (warning, this is also a clear indication of demon possession. to be on the safe side, mix your next drink with holy water)
• Girls: you find yourself strangely attracted to the guy known as "neck beard" or "mouthbreather"
• You pass out

Last updated on 11 May, 2001. Needs more research.