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Fun Signs and Statues

(the inside of St. Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh.)

Indeed. Thank god. Plus, ether is really fucking sweet to get high on!

(from the free bus between the art museums of Scotland.)

Well, hell, I appreciate them too!

(the inside of St. Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh.)

Not so much a "fun" sign, per se, but one I'm rather fond of, due to it being my ancestral family motto, not to mention the family motto of the main character of one of my favorite Edgar Allen Poe stories, "The Cask of Amontillado." The motto is "Nemo Me Impune Lacesset," which I translate roughly as, "No one fucks with us and gets away with it."

(High Street, Edinburgh)

Sadly, not the Reeperbahn of Edinburgh; just an extremely small alley off of the Royal Mile with a great name.

(Royal Museum, Edinburgh)

One of the many reasons I love the Scottish; one of their oldest artifacts is a guy riding a horse and getting shitfaced.

(High Street, Edinburgh)

No, they're not taking the piss. They really do sell Mars Bars in better. You don't really have to buy one yourself, though; just wait for someone else to buy it, take a bite, and immediately die from all of their arteries instantly clogging. The Scots have taken their tendency to deep-fry everything more than a couple steps too far.

Personally, what I like best about this picture is that Mel Wallace seems to be floating off the ground. (near Loch Ness)

Warning: Never, ever, say to a Scot that the movie "Braveheart" was a good thing because it brought international attention to Scotland. The movie was more than a little bit inaccurate, and most Scots (the ones who care about this type of thing at all) resent how one of their national heroes has been utterly transformed. Imagine Abraham Lincoln played by Chris Rock, and you might come close to how they feel.

Americans paid for this and had it placed near the real William Wallace monument. The U.S. presence may explain why its an ugly expensive thing with little connection to reality at all. (Wallace Monument, Stirling)

See above.

I have no idea why the Scottish philosopher Hume is wearing a toga in this statue, but the traffic cone seems to suit him. (High Street, Edinburgh)

(Outside the Modern Art Museum, Glasgow)

Is that a cone between your legs or are you just happy to see me? (Chambers St., Edinburgh)

I watched this cone get wedged between Sir Chambers' legs on one of the only heavy snowfalls while in Edinburgh; it stayed poking obscenely out there for over three months.

The hand of God Himself extended to push your buttons. (Prince's St. Backpackers)

Johnny the Homocidal Maniac makes an appearance at the hostel. (Prince's St. Backpackers)

Dali? Nope. Prince's St. Backpackers.

(Park near British Parliment and Westminster Abbey, London)

I can't decide which I like more: the dandy stance, his last name, or that this fop was a British Prime Minister.

(The Palace of the Popes, Avignon)

I think what I love most about this statue is the expression, which just screams, "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you blasted protestants!"

(The Louvre, Paris)

I never bothered to check what this actually was a painting of. I just like it because Jesus looks like a mutated supervillain attacking some poor saint with a comic book or video game force attack. "Nobody fucks with the Jesus!"

Centre Pompidou, Paris

I was going to put up a picture of the International Exit sign, which is a green sign much like this of someone bolting for the door. But then I saw this one, with the doubly added bits of the wheelchair bolting and the flame following behind, and nearly wet myself laughing.

Colera, Spain

No explanation necessary.

Pere Lachaise, Paris

Poor Leo. Wonder if he was popular as a kid?

Westgate Cemetary, London

The Freemasons aren't the best at this whole "secret society" thing.

British Museum, London

No one here! Go away!

The Globe Bar, Edinburgh

What exactly is a racing vibrator, anyway?
And why would you want one?
Isn't that really something you want to kind of draw out and enjoy, rather than getting it over as fast as possible?
Or are there vibrator races, and if so, how does that work out?
Can I watch?
Is this some weird subculture I just haven't heard about yet?

(Notre Dame, Paris

Don't worry, the doctor's on his way, and he'll get you patched up good as new.

(Black Abbey, Kilkenny, Ireland)

I know this is supposed to be Jesus during the beatitudes, but my first thought after seeing this was "Alright guys, calm down!" My second thought was, "Okay, you got me, I was just joking about that salvation thing."


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This page last updated on 30 June, 2002, and thinks the role of Lincoln should have gone to Chris Tucker, anyway.
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